Never Say Never....

Yesterday I was wishing for my son to come home from his Dad's... Unfortunately my wish came true... My son came back from his Dad's full of attitude and being upset because things weren't going his way. He proceeded to slam doors, punch walls, stomp his feet, all of which was making my headache worse. Once he was done putting his clothes away, he sat down in a chair next to the computer and started to play some music and draw in his sketch book. He was still pissed and was banging his head against the door which was hitting my wall. The puppy who missed him while he was away, went in his room to see him and he got mad that she was just trying to say, "Hello." At this point he picked her up and threw her onto the couch, seeing this out of the corner of my eye I got up and went in there and told him to get out until he was able to calm down. He proceeded to get up grab his jacket and his skateboard and left the house, slamming the front door so hard I thought it was going to come off the hinges.

Years ago when I was a couple of years younger than he is now; My Mom had kicked me out of the house for a period of 30 days. My punishment was a result of being 30 minutes late from curfew. My being late was due to the fact that my friends Mom didn't want me walking home by myself at that time of night and asked that I wait until she was done getting the baby put to bed and then she would drive me the 2 blocks home. None of this mattered to my Mom and I was not allowed back into the house at all. My friends Mom called Child Protective Services on my Mom and I had no idea about this until I was well into my 20's. I never knew why my Mom had such distaste for my friend and her family until she finally came clean and told me of this. How the police never came looking for me or CPS not filing charges against my Mom I will now never know.

After spending 2 weeks sleeping in a sleeping bag in our detachted garage and eating and showering at friends houses here and there, I finally called my Grandmother and had my Grandfather come to get me for the duration of the 30 days I was to be out of my house. I explained to my Grandparetns the situation and they said that I needed to be more understanding of what my Mom was going through, my Dad was in Drug Rehab for the 2nd time and she was not used to being the only parent to be at home. I stayed with them for the duration and went home 2 weeks before school was supposed to start.

I told myself over and over; time and time again after this incident that if and when I had kids I would never kick them out of the house. After the events of last night took place and he left the house, I sat there crying for about 2 hours that I had turned into my Mom after all.

I have been reminded that Tough Love is TOUGH and its supposed to be, but DAMN its killing me. Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically I don't know how much more I can take... Last night was a breaking point, at least now he knows that I will not tolerate his behavior or attitude anymore. When he left I was afraid that he wasn't going to come home, and even though it scared me I was ok with that. I did what I needed to do for my sanity...

I just need to keep reminding myself that his options, choices and decisions are NOT mine. They are his and he has to live with them. He is creating his own bad Karma and I'll be damned if I am going to allow him to drag me down with him, my life for myself is finally getting back to some order and I am not giving that up.